For me, a lot of sex is in my head. I don't want to make overly grand and sweeping statements, but I think it's that way for a lot of people. You don't even need to be kinky or dealing with body dysphoria to accept that fantasy along with sex acts makes things sexier.
But what about when you don't fantasise about the same things as your partner?
This can come up in a number of ways.
Scenario One: Person with submissive desires in an egalitarian relationship. This is one that a lot of people seem to deal with, if the number of 'How to trick your wife into being the domme of your dreams" guides are any indication. She thinks that you are being considerate and giving her a foot-rub at the end of the day, while you are fantasising about serving your Mistress. Speaking as someone who struggled in equal relationships before I had the vocabulary to express my fantasies, this seems pretty futile as a strategy. It can also raise issues of consent as your partner is being involved in your sex life in ways that they haven't consented to.
Scenario Two: Apparently 'Clothed male, naked female' events are a thing. Leaving aside the linking of sex to power dynamics and cis-normativity, it seems like a set-up where a particular fantasy is assumed to be universal. That is, it is supposed to appeal to people in a particular way. Personally, I hear that phrase and would dearly love to see a naked female dominant attend with a gentleman in a three-piece suit on a leash. Fair enough, it's not an event designed to appeal to switchy queers. But it won't even appeal to its 'intended' attendees in a universal way - for some the fantasy will be a Gorean style society, others will be enjoying the humiliation aspect. I met a female submissive who was considering going to one of these, and wondering if her total comfort with nakedness would put off some of the other guests there.
Scenario Three: Recently, I was trying to be a responsible partner and check in after sex. Find out what had worked, what hadn't, what in particular they had liked, etc. I learned that they had particularly enjoyed doing some things to me, because they were "Nasty, taboo and degrading".
Oh.
Okay, we have arrangements which set limits, and everything within that is fine. I know some of his tastes, and hey, we both get off on a healthy amount of degradation and humiliation.
I'm just left wondering if it will ruin his fantasy for me to say that while he was relishing how much he was degrading me, I was enjoying an emotionally neutral act which actually felt pretty damn good...
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
What's in a Name?
I was trying to write the introduction part of this blog, to fill out the little sidebar and put something at least slightly useful on my profile page. The trouble was, I kept stumbling when it came to identifying my kinky practices.
Switchy? Check.
Bondage enthusiast? Check.
Poly? Yup.
Dominant? Well, kind of. Ish. In that, I'm in a d/s relationship with a submissive.
But I'm not sure I want to identify as dominant as such. Partly because I am quite switchy, and also because in some places it seems to be analogous to identifying as 'asshat'. Because I am my girlfriend's dominant, but that doesn't mean that I have any interest in dominating others, or claiming some mystical authority. I am not the Uberdom.
Possibly I've just been jaded by the millions of threads on Fet in which somebody asks, "So, Doms, what made you choose this style of relationship? How did you know what you wanted out of life was to be in control of your partner(s)?"
A very frequent, and depressing, response to that type of question is the "I just knew" answer. Apparently there are a lot of people out there on the internet who are just so inherently dominant that they could not be any other way. This often comes coupled with unsettling tales of how they are just dominant in every aspect of their life, outside of consensual power relationships. Well, that sounds rather unpleasant.
While I'm sure that there are people who are inherently dominant, I'm really not. I kink on power dynamics no matter which side of them I am on, and while I am Kadi's dom, I don't think of myself AS a dom as such (which I may have to re-evaluate if I keep flirting with self-identified subs so much, but that's a story for another time).
I was considering this, and wondering if it was fairer to describe myself as 'kinky and toppy' (and ignore the way that I switch down on a regular basis to satisfy the more submissive and masochistic side of my head*). Then I remembered a few years back, when I was just getting into the d/s-y style of sex and relationships, and trying to figure out if I could bring myself to identify as submissive, with all the baggage and connotations that word can bring along with it. I've seen other self-identified submissive people have trouble with this, but very rarely do I see similar posts from dominant self-identified people - because, of course, there couldn't be any reason to feel conflicted about being in the dominant position in a relationship.
Oh yay. More domism in action.
* I am aware that masochism and submissiveness are not necessarily linked, and I can experience them separately. I do that sometimes, but it's fun to have them together.
Switchy? Check.
Bondage enthusiast? Check.
Poly? Yup.
Dominant? Well, kind of. Ish. In that, I'm in a d/s relationship with a submissive.
But I'm not sure I want to identify as dominant as such. Partly because I am quite switchy, and also because in some places it seems to be analogous to identifying as 'asshat'. Because I am my girlfriend's dominant, but that doesn't mean that I have any interest in dominating others, or claiming some mystical authority. I am not the Uberdom.
Possibly I've just been jaded by the millions of threads on Fet in which somebody asks, "So, Doms, what made you choose this style of relationship? How did you know what you wanted out of life was to be in control of your partner(s)?"
A very frequent, and depressing, response to that type of question is the "I just knew" answer. Apparently there are a lot of people out there on the internet who are just so inherently dominant that they could not be any other way. This often comes coupled with unsettling tales of how they are just dominant in every aspect of their life, outside of consensual power relationships. Well, that sounds rather unpleasant.
While I'm sure that there are people who are inherently dominant, I'm really not. I kink on power dynamics no matter which side of them I am on, and while I am Kadi's dom, I don't think of myself AS a dom as such (which I may have to re-evaluate if I keep flirting with self-identified subs so much, but that's a story for another time).
I was considering this, and wondering if it was fairer to describe myself as 'kinky and toppy' (and ignore the way that I switch down on a regular basis to satisfy the more submissive and masochistic side of my head*). Then I remembered a few years back, when I was just getting into the d/s-y style of sex and relationships, and trying to figure out if I could bring myself to identify as submissive, with all the baggage and connotations that word can bring along with it. I've seen other self-identified submissive people have trouble with this, but very rarely do I see similar posts from dominant self-identified people - because, of course, there couldn't be any reason to feel conflicted about being in the dominant position in a relationship.
Oh yay. More domism in action.
* I am aware that masochism and submissiveness are not necessarily linked, and I can experience them separately. I do that sometimes, but it's fun to have them together.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Conscious Incompetence
There are two frequently seen models of learning how to do rope bondage safely and effectively. The first (possibly the more 'traditional' approach) is all about the personal approach - find a mentor, take classes, spend time in a sort of apprentice role. There are distinct advantages to this - the hands on approach and -particularly from a safety point of view - always having someone in the room who understands the mechanics of what you are learning and where you could go wrong.
This approach is pretty difficult for most people, though. Finding local people with the skills, time and inclination to teach is not easy. I have my own reservations about this kind of teaching too, in that it means that bad habits can be very easily passed on.
Far more common is a messy combination of using instructional books, videos and a whole lot of trying things out without quite being sure how they will work. This works just fine for low risk stuff but can be pretty dangerous if, for instance, you want to start learning how to hang people off bridges.
Me? I've been lucky enough to be able to use a combination of these - I have a dear friend with a lot of hard won experience and knowledge who talked me through the basics, and Kadi and I have worked our way through quite a lot of online 'Rope 101's - adding commentary as we go.
I'd say that when it comes to ropework, I'm at the 'conscious incompetence' stage of knowledge. I can do the basics, but I'm aware that there is a hell of a lot that I don't know or understand yet, and it will take a long time and a lot of practice before I do.
Given my lack of competence, it's kind of strange to be asked to teach others how to use rope, as happened last weekend. We did it by sticking to basics - the things that we have done for years which only use a couple of knots. Harnesses and double coin knots are beautiful, but if you are teaching a couple of people who just want to tie each other safely to a bed then there's really only a few things that they need. Kadi and I sketched out a rough plan for the afternoon, and this is how it went:
Pre-ramble: boundaries, expectations, intentions
This was a really interesting experience, because we were trying to strike a balance between a casual chat with our friends about what they wanted to get out of the afternoon, and also establish what boundaries they were comfortable with and what experience they already had - with people who have very different experiences and ways of communicating. Anyway, this set the tone of the whole afternoon, because we figured out what kind of things they wanted to learn and could explain the limits of what we were teaching.
Firstly: the full safety talk
A rundown of nerves, joints, places where you don't want ropes putting pressure. Explaining why multiple wraps are used, and the importance of checking restrained limbs for temperature and sensation. Kadi also offered to sell them a pair of EMT shears that we had spare (I haven't had to use mine yet, but it's always good to know that they are there, and that our friends will have them too).
Secondly: overhand and reef knots
Really, just these knots open up a huge realm of possibilities - but if you can't reliably tie a reef knot correctly then you can't guarantee a secure and locked tie, and it's a huge safety risk (at a less serious level it's also a serious risk of knots slipping and tightening, and having to stop whatever you're doing to adjust or retie, which is frustrating and annoying).
Thirdly: single column tie (boola-boola, standard tie, wrist cuff, etc)
One of the most important techniques, and it's really important to know how to do this in such a way that it won't tighten. We gave them two variants - the double-locking L knot from Two Knotty Boys (which is the easiest and most certain locking cuff I've found - but it uses both ends of the rope which makes it impossible if you're halfway through a tie) and a modification which can be tied mid-rope.
Fourthly: double column bind
Possibly not essential, but this one is tied with a single line and includes wraps, and is just pretty. It's also useful, as it creates a column between whatever is being tied (wrists, ankles, thighs etc) which can then be attached to more rope.
I'll admit to getting more than a little fun out of watching people struggle with wrapping ten metres of rope as well (I enjoy kitten top syndrome very much, and now I get to infect others!)
Finally: Improvisation
Every rope get-together I've been to has eventually reached this point. You've sorted safety, and everyone has a basic grasp of how to tie a limb to something. With more time and different people, there would probably have been a demonstration of a couple of harnesses as well before reaching this point. Hopefully, everyone is relaxed and comfortable with what they've learned, so this final stage is a nice wrapping up point. People with experience who want to show off something more complex and sensual might get a chance, or people can experiment and figure out fun applications for what was learned earlier.
It's also a really good time to make sure everyone's going to leave in a good place. If you have switchy people who have been playing one role so far (such as teaching, directing and monitoring everyone), then they might like to be tied up too. That one's from personal experience - watching and helping other people enjoy being tied up for hours can leave me unsatisfied if I don't get some fun myself.
We finished of by sharing our rope bounty - getting our friends to cut and wrap it themselves (using their new safety shears) - and sending them on their way.
Follow-up:
Okay, our friends knew that they were a test case for us - that we hadn't sat down with people and taught a rope 101 before, and were figuring out a lot of it as we went along. So when we checked in the next day, we asked how they found it, and if there was anything else that they would have liked to learn, and suchlike.
It wasn't a very intense rope session - simple ties, no full body restraints, staying well inside people's comfort zones and doing less than they had experienced before so it wasn't quite as important to check in on how they were the next day from a physical/emotional safety point of view. Kadi did send links to online rope 101s and other sources of information.
I'm kind of hoping they will come back in a bit and ask about harnesses...
This approach is pretty difficult for most people, though. Finding local people with the skills, time and inclination to teach is not easy. I have my own reservations about this kind of teaching too, in that it means that bad habits can be very easily passed on.
Far more common is a messy combination of using instructional books, videos and a whole lot of trying things out without quite being sure how they will work. This works just fine for low risk stuff but can be pretty dangerous if, for instance, you want to start learning how to hang people off bridges.
Me? I've been lucky enough to be able to use a combination of these - I have a dear friend with a lot of hard won experience and knowledge who talked me through the basics, and Kadi and I have worked our way through quite a lot of online 'Rope 101's - adding commentary as we go.
I'd say that when it comes to ropework, I'm at the 'conscious incompetence' stage of knowledge. I can do the basics, but I'm aware that there is a hell of a lot that I don't know or understand yet, and it will take a long time and a lot of practice before I do.
Given my lack of competence, it's kind of strange to be asked to teach others how to use rope, as happened last weekend. We did it by sticking to basics - the things that we have done for years which only use a couple of knots. Harnesses and double coin knots are beautiful, but if you are teaching a couple of people who just want to tie each other safely to a bed then there's really only a few things that they need. Kadi and I sketched out a rough plan for the afternoon, and this is how it went:
Pre-ramble: boundaries, expectations, intentions
This was a really interesting experience, because we were trying to strike a balance between a casual chat with our friends about what they wanted to get out of the afternoon, and also establish what boundaries they were comfortable with and what experience they already had - with people who have very different experiences and ways of communicating. Anyway, this set the tone of the whole afternoon, because we figured out what kind of things they wanted to learn and could explain the limits of what we were teaching.
Firstly: the full safety talk
A rundown of nerves, joints, places where you don't want ropes putting pressure. Explaining why multiple wraps are used, and the importance of checking restrained limbs for temperature and sensation. Kadi also offered to sell them a pair of EMT shears that we had spare (I haven't had to use mine yet, but it's always good to know that they are there, and that our friends will have them too).
Secondly: overhand and reef knots
Really, just these knots open up a huge realm of possibilities - but if you can't reliably tie a reef knot correctly then you can't guarantee a secure and locked tie, and it's a huge safety risk (at a less serious level it's also a serious risk of knots slipping and tightening, and having to stop whatever you're doing to adjust or retie, which is frustrating and annoying).
Thirdly: single column tie (boola-boola, standard tie, wrist cuff, etc)
One of the most important techniques, and it's really important to know how to do this in such a way that it won't tighten. We gave them two variants - the double-locking L knot from Two Knotty Boys (which is the easiest and most certain locking cuff I've found - but it uses both ends of the rope which makes it impossible if you're halfway through a tie) and a modification which can be tied mid-rope.
Fourthly: double column bind
Possibly not essential, but this one is tied with a single line and includes wraps, and is just pretty. It's also useful, as it creates a column between whatever is being tied (wrists, ankles, thighs etc) which can then be attached to more rope.
I'll admit to getting more than a little fun out of watching people struggle with wrapping ten metres of rope as well (I enjoy kitten top syndrome very much, and now I get to infect others!)
Finally: Improvisation
Every rope get-together I've been to has eventually reached this point. You've sorted safety, and everyone has a basic grasp of how to tie a limb to something. With more time and different people, there would probably have been a demonstration of a couple of harnesses as well before reaching this point. Hopefully, everyone is relaxed and comfortable with what they've learned, so this final stage is a nice wrapping up point. People with experience who want to show off something more complex and sensual might get a chance, or people can experiment and figure out fun applications for what was learned earlier.
It's also a really good time to make sure everyone's going to leave in a good place. If you have switchy people who have been playing one role so far (such as teaching, directing and monitoring everyone), then they might like to be tied up too. That one's from personal experience - watching and helping other people enjoy being tied up for hours can leave me unsatisfied if I don't get some fun myself.
We finished of by sharing our rope bounty - getting our friends to cut and wrap it themselves (using their new safety shears) - and sending them on their way.
Follow-up:
Okay, our friends knew that they were a test case for us - that we hadn't sat down with people and taught a rope 101 before, and were figuring out a lot of it as we went along. So when we checked in the next day, we asked how they found it, and if there was anything else that they would have liked to learn, and suchlike.
It wasn't a very intense rope session - simple ties, no full body restraints, staying well inside people's comfort zones and doing less than they had experienced before so it wasn't quite as important to check in on how they were the next day from a physical/emotional safety point of view. Kadi did send links to online rope 101s and other sources of information.
I'm kind of hoping they will come back in a bit and ask about harnesses...
Thursday, July 26, 2012
More on Consent
Kadi emailed me her responses to my post yesterday, and included the paragraph:
Yes! And also not considering that it could be sexual in a power exchange way, which meant that (because I felt unable to explain it to them in a way that meant they would grok that) I had to be especially careful to to stay within their comfort zone.
(And this reminds me of another situation, where I was tying a person up who appreciated it on a sensual level - in fact, they requested it in order to let them relax and so there was a level of power dynamic in the trust they gave for it to be done, but it was also non-sexual. Which called for its own unique approach to the tie.)
Essentially, I think I am just made extremely uncomfortable by non-consensual power dynamics - and need to be aware of this in regard to my own behaviour as well.
Still, plans for teaching rope continue apace. You remember my gushing about sash cord? It comes in 100m rolls. I think the plan is to cut a few starter lengths to sell on (at cost) to the people who have shown an interest, and then divide the rest into 10 and 15 metre lengths so that we have a stash of standardised rope.
Next up: Hashing out a rope 101 outline. I've been an assistant to someone teaching it before, and I've done a bit of instruction with people who already know the basics, but I need to create a list of safety starter points so that I don't forget on the day.
I think the thing about this is possibly that while the people you've tied (who didn't kink on rope) knew that you did, they possibly didn't mentally consider this a sexual act because they couldn't frame it that way, while they intellectual knew you did they were discounting the sexuality of the act I suspect and hence just not considering that they would be involved in something sexual.
Yes! And also not considering that it could be sexual in a power exchange way, which meant that (because I felt unable to explain it to them in a way that meant they would grok that) I had to be especially careful to to stay within their comfort zone.
(And this reminds me of another situation, where I was tying a person up who appreciated it on a sensual level - in fact, they requested it in order to let them relax and so there was a level of power dynamic in the trust they gave for it to be done, but it was also non-sexual. Which called for its own unique approach to the tie.)
Essentially, I think I am just made extremely uncomfortable by non-consensual power dynamics - and need to be aware of this in regard to my own behaviour as well.
Still, plans for teaching rope continue apace. You remember my gushing about sash cord? It comes in 100m rolls. I think the plan is to cut a few starter lengths to sell on (at cost) to the people who have shown an interest, and then divide the rest into 10 and 15 metre lengths so that we have a stash of standardised rope.
Next up: Hashing out a rope 101 outline. I've been an assistant to someone teaching it before, and I've done a bit of instruction with people who already know the basics, but I need to create a list of safety starter points so that I don't forget on the day.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Power dynamics and consent
(Picture shows a person holding a sign reading "Consent is f*cking sexy". It was taken at Toronto Slutwalk 2012 and submitted to genderfork.com by Lynx)
One of the interesting things about tying people up is changing the approach that you use for each situation. The way I approach and tie someone who I am in a relationship with is very different from what I'll do with a friend who just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Being able to separate power dynamics, the thrill of using rope on someone and simple instructional ropework is vital - and occasionally quite tricky.
With the couple of (non-overtly kinky) friends that have asked for demonstrations, it's been a matter very much of figuring out what kind of experience they are after and trying to tailor it to that. And both of them spoke only of wanting to try the physical sensation. I found myself talking to them, keeping them grounded, stopping them from drifting as a lot of people do when they get tied up (particularly when they have the curiosity to ask about it from the friendly neighbourhood rope perv). Possibly, this stopped them from having an experience which they could have enjoyed more - but in both cases I felt that the boundaries of consent that they had negotiated excluded anything more intense. Both of those experiences were fun, but were more acts of service (or friendship) than topping, and were fundamentally non-sexual.
It did leave interesting questions about consent in my mind, though - these were people with very little or possibly no experience with d/s dynamics (or none that they were willing to disclose to me), who would not consent to sexual acts with me, but who wanted me to tie them up. They were somehow absolutely certain that even though I tied people up and got off on it, they could have a non-sexual experience. So that's what I agreed to, and I think I managed to provide for them (though I got in trouble for one, as my dom at the time felt that a
prohibition on sexual activity with others without telling him included
any ropework with others). It also left me with a tendency to listen for what people may be 'not not-consenting' to because it didn't cross their minds.
Fast forward a few years, and I'm working with a group of people on a suspension. At one point, the rigger-in-charge orders the rope bottom down to the floor, using what I tend to call the 'dom-voice'. My response was an, "I hear what you did there" - and later we got to talking about that moment. The rope bottom was just his type, and very submissive, but power dynamics weren't an agreed part of what we were doing. His response was that he may have got a little carried away, but it was entirely within his ethics.
Well, that opens up a whole fuzzy ground of implied consent, and people who won't say that they will be submissive for the extent of a tie but are comfortable with it.
I have an interesting testing ground for this coming up - I'm going to be doing a basic rope intro for some friends who I've been flirting with for a while, who tend to have very fuzzy boundaries. This could be an amazing opportunity to practise self-control...or re-think some my ideas about consent.
Friday, July 20, 2012
A few thoughts on rope
This should really be a number of different entries, but a lot has been happening and I need to get most of it written down quickly, or I'll end up using all the unwritten posts as excuses for not updating here. So, here goes:
Recent Events
- have actually been pretty awesome. About a year ago, we started discussing with a friend the possibility of doing a bit of rope suspension with him. It's been a project that we've returned to on and off ever since, and the date for the attempt was set for the end of July. So for the past few months we've been assembling kit, learning a lot more about rope, physics and anatomy, and doing test runs.
This leads to the second awesome thing, in that this has spurred us on to getting all types of toys for future play and projects.
And thirdly, we've spent quite a lot of time with other kinky people, chatting about things, having civilised tea parties and playing with rope. More thoughts on this ahead...
The Tax on Kink
But first, a word about buying kit. Calling it a 'tax' is a little disingenuous I suppose, but it's really frustrating when an item for kink use always, always costs more as the same item sold for an everyday purpose. Compare, for example, a 'bedroom' riding crop which is usually around £15, and Amazon's selection for £5.50 (listed on the 'Also bought' for that is a 10m length of 9mm cotton rope - bravo, budget kinkster!)
Kadi has been tirelessly researching different rope sources, and ordering lots of samples. We've discussed the difference between between cored and uncored rope, the various breakloads of natural versus synthetic ropes (no, really, there is a google doc dedicated to this stuff now that she updates), and whether it is easier to pay lots for kink-specific rope from Twisted Monk (that stuff is gorgeous but we really don't have the budget right now)or Jade Rope (who are happy to send short sample lengths - and if you follow that up with an order then they will will knock what you already paid for the samples off the price. We've ordered quite a few 1m lengths just to test strengths and the feel of different materials).
Last week, though, we made a wondrous discovery. While I quite like our rope bag with it's assortment of different types of rope, I wanted a single rope that we could standardise on for floorwork (I have plans involving aesthetically pleasing photography, and that's tricky if none of your ropes match). We hunted for something reasonably priced, and Kadi, genius that she is, discovered sash cord. No, really.
Sash cord - 6mm braided jute. Now, it sheds fluff like there's no tomorrow, and it's unsuitable for people with asthma or grass allergies, and oh boy is it rough - which suits me just fine actually - but it's £3.50 for a 10m length. I love this stuff to bits :)
Which ties in to my next topic...
We need more rope model variety
- which is not to say that I don't appreciate the usual rope bottom. Small, athletic women who are pretty damn strong and able to hold quite uncomfortable poses are awesome. But I was flicking through the various books we have which purport to give advice on rope bondage (and there will be rants about that another day) and it did get a bit monotonous. I mean, I am fine with people writing (roughly) "I'm a guy, and I tie up women with this body type because it's what I'm into. You may find my stuff helpful, or be able to adapt it to your circumstances". That's cool, though a bit depressing to find everywhere. I am less happy with people writing, "I have taken every care to use gender neutral language except where it would make sentences overly cumbersome" and then not doing so (again, this rant is coming). I get really frustrated when people assume that the only possible rope bottom is small and athletic.
Of the people that I have been doing rope work with, we have two early-transition trans people (with all the body issues that entails), two people with physical disabilities who use wheelchairs, and at least two cases of IBS. These are not horrific barriers to rope work. They make things interesting, they need consideration and the adaptation of particular techniques to find workarounds, and it is incredibly rare to find any information or pictures that deal with this. Come on, people! It can't be that small women are the only people who want to be tied up!
One of the people I've worked with has a huge amount of experience with ropework (he is the person who first taught me) - and he was taught that working safely with someone with physical disabilities was impossible. Well, we've already disproved that. I have plans to do more with this...it may well lead to a lot more weekends spent tying people up for research purposes...
Recent Events
- have actually been pretty awesome. About a year ago, we started discussing with a friend the possibility of doing a bit of rope suspension with him. It's been a project that we've returned to on and off ever since, and the date for the attempt was set for the end of July. So for the past few months we've been assembling kit, learning a lot more about rope, physics and anatomy, and doing test runs.
This leads to the second awesome thing, in that this has spurred us on to getting all types of toys for future play and projects.
And thirdly, we've spent quite a lot of time with other kinky people, chatting about things, having civilised tea parties and playing with rope. More thoughts on this ahead...
The Tax on Kink
But first, a word about buying kit. Calling it a 'tax' is a little disingenuous I suppose, but it's really frustrating when an item for kink use always, always costs more as the same item sold for an everyday purpose. Compare, for example, a 'bedroom' riding crop which is usually around £15, and Amazon's selection for £5.50 (listed on the 'Also bought' for that is a 10m length of 9mm cotton rope - bravo, budget kinkster!)
Kadi has been tirelessly researching different rope sources, and ordering lots of samples. We've discussed the difference between between cored and uncored rope, the various breakloads of natural versus synthetic ropes (no, really, there is a google doc dedicated to this stuff now that she updates), and whether it is easier to pay lots for kink-specific rope from Twisted Monk (that stuff is gorgeous but we really don't have the budget right now)or Jade Rope (who are happy to send short sample lengths - and if you follow that up with an order then they will will knock what you already paid for the samples off the price. We've ordered quite a few 1m lengths just to test strengths and the feel of different materials).
Last week, though, we made a wondrous discovery. While I quite like our rope bag with it's assortment of different types of rope, I wanted a single rope that we could standardise on for floorwork (I have plans involving aesthetically pleasing photography, and that's tricky if none of your ropes match). We hunted for something reasonably priced, and Kadi, genius that she is, discovered sash cord. No, really.
Sash cord - 6mm braided jute. Now, it sheds fluff like there's no tomorrow, and it's unsuitable for people with asthma or grass allergies, and oh boy is it rough - which suits me just fine actually - but it's £3.50 for a 10m length. I love this stuff to bits :)
Which ties in to my next topic...
We need more rope model variety
- which is not to say that I don't appreciate the usual rope bottom. Small, athletic women who are pretty damn strong and able to hold quite uncomfortable poses are awesome. But I was flicking through the various books we have which purport to give advice on rope bondage (and there will be rants about that another day) and it did get a bit monotonous. I mean, I am fine with people writing (roughly) "I'm a guy, and I tie up women with this body type because it's what I'm into. You may find my stuff helpful, or be able to adapt it to your circumstances". That's cool, though a bit depressing to find everywhere. I am less happy with people writing, "I have taken every care to use gender neutral language except where it would make sentences overly cumbersome" and then not doing so (again, this rant is coming). I get really frustrated when people assume that the only possible rope bottom is small and athletic.
Of the people that I have been doing rope work with, we have two early-transition trans people (with all the body issues that entails), two people with physical disabilities who use wheelchairs, and at least two cases of IBS. These are not horrific barriers to rope work. They make things interesting, they need consideration and the adaptation of particular techniques to find workarounds, and it is incredibly rare to find any information or pictures that deal with this. Come on, people! It can't be that small women are the only people who want to be tied up!
One of the people I've worked with has a huge amount of experience with ropework (he is the person who first taught me) - and he was taught that working safely with someone with physical disabilities was impossible. Well, we've already disproved that. I have plans to do more with this...it may well lead to a lot more weekends spent tying people up for research purposes...
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
The Obligatory Feb 14th Post
...And the ensuing slightly confused discussion of what this day means for me.
Really, it's all over the blogs. Feminist circles, sex blogs, anti-capitalists, purity advocates - everybody seems to be trying to come to terms with how they relate to Valentine's Day. And how a martyred priest in Terni (probably) relates to celebrations of love or price hikes for roses and chocolates.
I managed to catch up with Kadi at lunch, and give her a card with (admittedly sappy) heartfelt sentiments, though no gift because I managed to wreck my budget this month. Yesterday, she surprised me with a new length of rope tied with a ribbon, which is both useful and romantic from my perspective. Tonight, she is out having dinner with her primary partner at a romantic restaurant.
Planning for today was quite fraught for me - admittedly patly due to my lack of cash - but also because it's a time when I have to struggle quite hard against a cultural narrative. Not the 'one and only love forever' narrative - though I do empathise with Holly Pervocracy's problems with finding cards, songs or movies which reflect love in a poly or open not-necessarily-permanent relationship - but the narrative of perfection. I used to be a terrible girlfriend, I think, because I would somehow end up dating guys who entirely bought in to the idea of Valentine's Day - that it must be perfect and romantic, and by the way everyone loves to get flowers or chocolate or jewellery or perfume. My reaction was mostly to laugh, I think, or feel fundamentally uncomfortable that they had felt obliged to buy something for me that I didn't have much use for, and being unsure how to react. The stupid bit is that now I have a girlfriend, and I have to actively resist doing the same thing - giving her something culturally appropriate which must be 'perfect'. So I spend a lot of time second guessing any decision I make (and actually, running out of money and telling her that probably saved me a lot of later stress).
Still, finding the holiday uncomfortable because I am trying too hard to find something which strikes exactly the right note is a damn sight better than finding it uncomftable because I am the counterpart of someone who is trying to create the normalised Valentine's narrative with me.
Chally has written What Love Looks Like over at Global Comment, which does a really good job of looking at the narrow narratives of love that we see in media, and how that cultural ideal frequently conflicts with our own lived realities. And yet, time after time, people look at that ideal and try to make their own love lives conform to it. And even as a poly, kinky, queer and fabulous cultural critic, I can't quite escape the internalised expectations of Valentine's either.
Against all that, there's the fact that there is a day to celebrate love! Not necessarily romantic, not necessarily monogamous, not necessarily consumerist. I know people who give gifts to their friends today, those who mark 'singles awareness day' by going to a performance of the Vagina Monologuesand having group meals. I think it's that contradiction that leads everyone to have so much to say about it. There are the conflicting ideas of this cultural norm that very few of us have managed to escape and these small but significant efforts to claim the day for other things - social justice, celebrations of friendship and a less mainstream celebration of our lived experience of loving relationships - and who the hell wouldn't want to take part in something like that?
Really, it's all over the blogs. Feminist circles, sex blogs, anti-capitalists, purity advocates - everybody seems to be trying to come to terms with how they relate to Valentine's Day. And how a martyred priest in Terni (probably) relates to celebrations of love or price hikes for roses and chocolates.
I managed to catch up with Kadi at lunch, and give her a card with (admittedly sappy) heartfelt sentiments, though no gift because I managed to wreck my budget this month. Yesterday, she surprised me with a new length of rope tied with a ribbon, which is both useful and romantic from my perspective. Tonight, she is out having dinner with her primary partner at a romantic restaurant.
Planning for today was quite fraught for me - admittedly patly due to my lack of cash - but also because it's a time when I have to struggle quite hard against a cultural narrative. Not the 'one and only love forever' narrative - though I do empathise with Holly Pervocracy's problems with finding cards, songs or movies which reflect love in a poly or open not-necessarily-permanent relationship - but the narrative of perfection. I used to be a terrible girlfriend, I think, because I would somehow end up dating guys who entirely bought in to the idea of Valentine's Day - that it must be perfect and romantic, and by the way everyone loves to get flowers or chocolate or jewellery or perfume. My reaction was mostly to laugh, I think, or feel fundamentally uncomfortable that they had felt obliged to buy something for me that I didn't have much use for, and being unsure how to react. The stupid bit is that now I have a girlfriend, and I have to actively resist doing the same thing - giving her something culturally appropriate which must be 'perfect'. So I spend a lot of time second guessing any decision I make (and actually, running out of money and telling her that probably saved me a lot of later stress).
Still, finding the holiday uncomfortable because I am trying too hard to find something which strikes exactly the right note is a damn sight better than finding it uncomftable because I am the counterpart of someone who is trying to create the normalised Valentine's narrative with me.
Chally has written What Love Looks Like over at Global Comment, which does a really good job of looking at the narrow narratives of love that we see in media, and how that cultural ideal frequently conflicts with our own lived realities. And yet, time after time, people look at that ideal and try to make their own love lives conform to it. And even as a poly, kinky, queer and fabulous cultural critic, I can't quite escape the internalised expectations of Valentine's either.
Against all that, there's the fact that there is a day to celebrate love! Not necessarily romantic, not necessarily monogamous, not necessarily consumerist. I know people who give gifts to their friends today, those who mark 'singles awareness day' by going to a performance of the Vagina Monologuesand having group meals. I think it's that contradiction that leads everyone to have so much to say about it. There are the conflicting ideas of this cultural norm that very few of us have managed to escape and these small but significant efforts to claim the day for other things - social justice, celebrations of friendship and a less mainstream celebration of our lived experience of loving relationships - and who the hell wouldn't want to take part in something like that?
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