...And the ensuing slightly confused discussion of what this day means for me.
Really, it's all over the blogs. Feminist circles, sex blogs, anti-capitalists, purity advocates - everybody seems to be trying to come to terms with how they relate to Valentine's Day. And how a martyred priest in Terni (probably) relates to celebrations of love or price hikes for roses and chocolates.
I managed to catch up with Kadi at lunch, and give her a card with (admittedly sappy) heartfelt sentiments, though no gift because I managed to wreck my budget this month. Yesterday, she surprised me with a new length of rope tied with a ribbon, which is both useful and romantic from my perspective. Tonight, she is out having dinner with her primary partner at a romantic restaurant.
Planning for today was quite fraught for me - admittedly patly due to my lack of cash - but also because it's a time when I have to struggle quite hard against a cultural narrative. Not the 'one and only love forever' narrative - though I do empathise with Holly Pervocracy's problems with finding cards, songs or movies which reflect love in a poly or open not-necessarily-permanent relationship - but the narrative of perfection. I used to be a terrible girlfriend, I think, because I would somehow end up dating guys who entirely bought in to the idea of Valentine's Day - that it must be perfect and romantic, and by the way everyone loves to get flowers or chocolate or jewellery or perfume. My reaction was mostly to laugh, I think, or feel fundamentally uncomfortable that they had felt obliged to buy something for me that I didn't have much use for, and being unsure how to react. The stupid bit is that now I have a girlfriend, and I have to actively resist doing the same thing - giving her something culturally appropriate which must be 'perfect'. So I spend a lot of time second guessing any decision I make (and actually, running out of money and telling her that probably saved me a lot of later stress).
Still, finding the holiday uncomfortable because I am trying too hard to find something which strikes exactly the right note is a damn sight better than finding it uncomftable because I am the counterpart of someone who is trying to create the normalised Valentine's narrative with me.
Chally has written What Love Looks Like over at Global Comment, which does a really good job of looking at the narrow narratives of love that we see in media, and how that cultural ideal frequently conflicts with our own lived realities. And yet, time after time, people look at that ideal and try to make their own love lives conform to it. And even as a poly, kinky, queer and fabulous cultural critic, I can't quite escape the internalised expectations of Valentine's either.
Against all that, there's the fact that there is a day to celebrate love! Not necessarily romantic, not necessarily monogamous, not necessarily consumerist. I know people who give gifts to their friends today, those who mark 'singles awareness day' by going to a performance of the Vagina Monologuesand having group meals. I think it's that contradiction that leads everyone to have so much to say about it. There are the conflicting ideas of this cultural norm that very few of us have managed to escape and these small but significant efforts to claim the day for other things - social justice, celebrations of friendship and a less mainstream celebration of our lived experience of loving relationships - and who the hell wouldn't want to take part in something like that?
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