Different Tastes

For me, a lot of sex is in my head.  I don't want to make overly grand and sweeping statements, but I think it's that way for a lot of people.  You don't even need to be kinky or dealing with body dysphoria to accept that fantasy along with sex acts makes things sexier. 

But what about when you don't fantasise about the same things as your partner? 

This can come up in a number of ways. 

Scenario One: Person with submissive desires in an egalitarian relationship.  This is one that a lot of people seem to deal with, if the number of 'How to trick your wife into being the domme of your dreams" guides are any indication.  She thinks that you are being considerate and giving her a foot-rub at the end of the day, while you are fantasising about serving your Mistress.  Speaking as someone who struggled in equal relationships before I had the vocabulary to express my fantasies, this seems pretty futile as a strategy.  It can also raise issues of consent as your partner is being involved in your sex life in ways that they haven't consented to.

Scenario Two: Apparently 'Clothed male, naked female' events are a thing.  Leaving aside the linking of sex to power dynamics  and cis-normativity, it seems like a set-up where a particular fantasy is assumed to be universal.  That is, it is supposed to appeal to people in a particular way.  Personally, I hear that phrase and would dearly love to see a naked female dominant attend with a gentleman in a three-piece suit on a leash.  Fair enough, it's not an event designed to appeal to switchy queers.  But it won't even appeal to its 'intended' attendees in a universal way - for some the fantasy will be a Gorean style society, others will be enjoying the humiliation aspect.  I met a female submissive who was considering going to one of these, and wondering if her total comfort with nakedness would put off some of the other guests there. 

Scenario Three: Recently, I was trying to be a responsible partner and check in after sex.  Find out what had worked, what hadn't, what in particular they had liked, etc.  I learned that they had particularly enjoyed doing some things to me, because they were "Nasty, taboo and degrading". 

Oh. 

Okay, we have arrangements which set limits, and everything within that is fine.  I know some of his tastes, and hey, we both get off on a healthy amount of degradation and humiliation.

I'm just left wondering if it will ruin his fantasy for me to say that while he was relishing how much he was degrading me, I was enjoying an emotionally neutral act which actually felt pretty damn good...